take a nice, quiet trip to paradise [20 Mar 2005|11:06pm] I keep lying to myself I hate it

1 dug their feet into the sand | take a nice, quiet trip to paradise [19 Mar 2005|12:51am] I don't feel like going through with anything anymore. So much crap is going on in my life and I can't f-ing stand it anymore. I feel so worthless...so immature and stupid. Everything I do seems to go wrong and I want to give up. I'm sick of not having things go in my favor. Every little thing I do is subject to the question "Will people like me more if I do this?" So far everything I've done has turned into a disaster. I act...I don't just live...I act, all the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm lying to myself - telling myself things that I know aren't true but accepting them anyway. I used to be a normal person. I used to just be myself. I used to be liked. I used to be happy. Whatever happened to that? Where did it go? Why did it leave? It's not just things like my image that get me depressed...every little thing that goes wrong brings me down even further, and I have no drive to want to become happy afterwards. I don't care about anyhthing anymore. I mean, if I'm going to die eventually, what's the purpose of trying to live, period? It's too much for me...what's the whole fucking purpose to life? To get you frustrated and get nothing in return? Well it sure seems like it. It seems like nothing can ever bring me back to the person I used to be. I hate myself. I hate what I do, how I act...everything. I wish I was a different person. fuck it...

take a nice, quiet trip to paradise [18 Mar 2005|11:29pm] i feel like such a douche... why do i do such stupid things

5 dug their feet into the sand | take a nice, quiet trip to paradise [15 Mar 2005|05:40pm] Today was absolutely one of the most horrible days I've ever had to experience I went to sleep at 5 last night because I had to do an English assignment...that's the latest I've ever stayed up on a school night Then morning came, and I was greeted by my lovely mother who told me that she's going to pull me out of drama if my grades go downa dn she won't let me do the play next year if I get one single F (and look who's failing geometry)...so the one thing I enjoy doing, she has to put it at stake I fell asleep even on 2 cups of coffee...I slept in World History, all of Biology, AMT, and Spanish Then I got to rehearsal and drank as much coke as I could to get me going. I got a little crazy and drank too much, which resulted in me being dizzy and sweating a lot. And as quickly as that high came...BOOM...I crash...horribly I remain dead for the rest of the day. I came into my house and collapsed on the floor, and everything just hit me at once, and I just started crying. I don't know what I've become. I get no more happiness out of life anymore...no satisfaction. Everything that happens to me seems negative. And I always think "You know, almost everyone has the same problems if not worse. Why can't I seem to control myself? Why can't I just grin and bear it? Why, after so much time, am I not able to get past it and just go on with my normal life?" Fuck I don't know who I am anymore... I just feel like dying Fuck...I am being so fucking dramatic and I hate it...every fucking post I make is so depressing and morbid. Don't pity me...you've done that way too much and you don't deserve to have to feel sorry for me.

3 dug their feet into the sand | take a nice, quiet trip to paradise [15 Mar 2005|03:21am] look who stayed up until 3:22 in the morning well, at least i'm not convulsing looks like i'm gonna have to up my dose of caffeine to 4 cups now damn...

1 dug their feet into the sand | take a nice, quiet trip to paradise new journal [15 Mar 2005|12:32am] Hey everyone...I made this new journal because I need a place where I can just let my emotions go without people getting mad at me for it. If you want more info check out my userinfo. Just remember that I love you all... goodnight

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]